Meta Part 2: Subaru in X

[limerences]

This is just going to bounce right off of my previous entry about Subaru's development in Tokyo Babylon from non-entity to actual person-hood with full expression of his desires and emotions. Also there's not as many links to manga pages as evidence because I got too lazy to go digging through all of X for the pages I wanted SORRY. Anyway.

A lot of (most?) people consider Tokyo Babylon to be a prequel to X/1999. For a long time, I did too, until I realized that the only thing that really connects X and Tokyo Babylon are Subaru and Seishirou. The story of X doesn't actually require any setup from Tokyo Babylon to make its main plot points happen, and likewise the continuation of Subaru and Seishirou's story doesn't necessarily depend on the events that happen in X. You could easily replace Subaru and Seishirou with entirely different and even unrelated characters and still keep all of the essential pieces and even the outcome - whatever that is. Similarly, you could pull out the parts of Subaru and Seishirou's interactions in X and transplant them almost anywhere or even into their own side story with just a few changes to certain events.

Basically, I've come to see X as its own entity, but the continuation of Subaru and Seishirou's story just fits well within that universe that it just makes sense for them to be there.

But I digress.

At the very end of Tokyo Babylon, the second Annex story shows an older Subaru from an undetermined number of years in the future, and the differences between him and the person he was during the main story are of course very striking. Aside from the physical differences (he's taller, hair is shorter, dresses differently, etc), there's the behavioral ones. While Subaru was never the most chatty person, we get the sense that he's become even more withdrawn and quiet. Not once in the whole annex story does he smile, and when he asks the spirit of the little girl if Hokuto is there, saying that she's "just like me." She replies that "there's no one up here with such lonely eyes as yours."

It's clear that he's unhappy, that he misses Hokuto, and that he is always, always thinking about Seishirou.

There's also an important attitude change in Subaru. It's clear throughout X that he retains his ability to sympathize with people and be affected by human suffering, though it appears to be severely diminished - almost to the point of being predominantly apathy unless he's staring it in the face. Many of the things he used to care about and let himself be affected by he no longer pays attention to, and others he only manages the bare minimum of response. He remains polite, but incredibly closed off to almost everyone.

In part one I said that I believe Subaru's intention to get revenge on Seishirou for Hokuto's death is short lived. The bare fact is that Subaru can't take a life of his own accord, and Seishirou, of course, knows this. But Subaru becomes so entirely fixated on finding Seishirou that it becomes the only reason he wakes up each morning. He becomes completely obsessed with him because Seishirou is the one person that defines him. In his entire life, Seishirou is the only one to really reach out to Subaru purely on his own merits - even if it does end up being one huge deception.

The fact is that Subaru never imagined that anyone could really want him just for himself, and even if Seishirou claims he didn't really want him at all, there's enough denial from both of them that it enables both of them to persist with their mutual unknown fixation of each other. There's certainly a measure of denial in Subaru that Seishirou really doesn't want him, and a certain measure of denial in Seishirou that he does. For Subaru, even if he does become convinced that Seishirou doesn't want him, he can't let go of the fact that Seishirou had evoked such a searing emotion as love in him, even though Seishirou denies that he feels anything for Subaru.

So that is what spurs him on. He becomes determined to at the very least make some sort of a nuisance of himself so that Seishirou will give him at least the time of day to kill him. Because it'll only be in that moment that Subaru will know with absolute certainty that Seishirou has to look at him, acknowledge him at least for a few moments more as he dies. And then, hopefully, he can rejoin the only other person who has mattered to him: Hokuto.

But let's take a moment and step back to put this into perspective, and once again reflect on how incredibly destructive and not "normal" this kind of behavior is.

The timeline of Tokyo Babylon is approximately one year, which is the length of Seishirou's bet. Subaru is 16/17 at the time, and when we see him again in X he is approximately 25.

He has been searching obsessively for Seishirou for eight years.

Eight years is an incredibly long time to be fixated on a person you never see. Sure, what happened to him was incredibly painful and pretty awful and Seishirou doesn't give a flip because he's essentially a sociopath. But as he pointed out when he was torturing Subaru, betrayal and heartbreak happens to people every day; Subaru's experience isn't entirely unique.

(Okay, so the person you fall in love with being a master dark arts assassin is kind of unique, but you get the point.)

Seishirou is the driving force in his life for nearly a decade. Subaru dreams about him, all of his thoughts are penetrated by him, and given that he's taken up smoking himself in emulation of Seishirou, you could even make an argument that he breathes him too.

Perhaps the best thing that really illustrates this is Subaru's side story in X. The line that really sticks with me is at the very end: "To keep thinking of one person is something only a sick heart can do."

Subaru's heart is very, very sick.

We don't really know if the ever meet at all between Tokyo Babylon and X. My bet is on they don't ever meet face to face, but Seishirou allows Subaru to get hints and glimpses of him from time to time to ensure that he doesn't lose interest. Still, I think very few people could keep themselves so entirely focused on one person before eventually finding someone else and moving on. People want to be happy, and constantly thinking about things that make them unhappy is generally thought to be a negative thing. So, in general, I think it's safe to say that we can stick with the idea that Subaru never displays normal behavior when it comes to Seishirou - or rarely ever, really.

But remember that Subaru was never really "normal" in the first place. His desire, though, is simple: he wants Seishirou to acknowledge him. Going deeper than that, Subaru wants Seishirou to want him, but it's clear that he doesn't think it will ever really happen.

So in theory its been eight years since Subaru has exchanged words with Seishirou when we get around to seeing them again in X, for the first time in volume eight. It's clear that every time they meet, Subaru is intensely affected. His body language is incredibly tense, has a strong frown on his face, and then just flat out loses every. single. time. Obviously his behavior towards Seishirou in X is a complete 180 from Tokyo Babylon - he's direct, forceful, outright attacks him - but Seishirou still manages to belittle his efforts with a jovial smile and continuing to call him cute before practically wiping the floor with him.

Basically, Seishirou just completely messes him up. Really just the mere sight of him, let alone exchanging words and physical contact, is enough to throw him off his game. When Fuuma appears to look like Seishirou to Subaru, Subaru loses miserably. And because Fuuma is the 'Kamui' of the wish granting sort, he's able to see into Subaru's heart and know about the guilt that he has carried with him for eight long years.

Subaru's desire to lose his right eye doesn't stem from wanting to be like Seishirou. It's about his own guilt, because Seishirou wasn't supposed to have been injured that day. The blow had been meant for him and even after everything that's happened, I think Subaru still has some measure of incredulity that it even happened in the first place. By losing his eye, he's finally experiencing the pain and the punishment that was supposed to have been his.

In its own way, it's another signal that Subaru's obsession with Seishirou is rooted in love and not in hate. One other striking difference between Tokyo Babylon and X is that Subaru no longer wears the gloves that cover the inverted pentagrams on the back of his hands - the mark of the Sakurazukamori's prey. He's discarded them entirely. It seems that his own spiritual prowess may have gotten to the point where he could conceal them for the majority of the time without having to use gloves, but clearly Seishirou still knows they're there. That Subaru chooses to keep his hands bare adds to the idea that he wants to be owned by Seishirou - something that is supported by the fact that when he takes Seishirou's place as the new Sakurzukamori after accepting his eye into himself, he returns to wearing gloves to cover up the fact that those scars are gone.

Again: Subaru wants to be owned by Seishirou because Seishirou is the defining purpose in his life. Without him, without some piece of him to hold onto Subaru literally has no reason to live.

In strange and twisted ways, they are constructed such that they are meant to be in this tangled relationship. The Sumeragi and Sakurazukamori are mirror-images of each other. With Sumeragi being 'yin' and Sakurazukamori being 'yang,' they are meant to complement and contrast each other while also maintaining several similarities.

The biggest contrast for me is selfishness versus selflessness. Seishirou is the epitome of being an entirely self-motivated creature. He does what he wants when he wants to because he wants it and for no other reason. Everything he does to and for Subaru is either for his own amusement or personal gain. Subaru, on the other hand, is the epitome of selflessness, especially in Tokyo Babylon, to the point where Seishirou calls this personality defect "fatal kindness." What they share is a blatant disregard for themselves when it comes to serving their selfish vs. selfless natures.

Yet at the same time, because they are both at the extreme ends of the spectrum, they have the ability to influence one another. These influences may appear to be disproportionate, but they're still appropriate. Because he falls in love with Seishirou, Subaru is able to learn how to be selfish, and thus becomes a more realized person. While I struggle to call any action of Seishirou's wholly selfless, he consistently demonstrates a desire to do things for Subaru that he would never even consider doing for anyone else. Subaru captivates his attention, holds his fascination so strongly that perhaps even Seishirou isn't quite aware of the extent to which he is affected. Forcing Subaru to kill him, whispering words in his ear are all well and good, but with his eye he gives Subaru a reason to continue living, whether he likes it or not.

A second contrast that's a little more obvious is emotion. Seishirou doesn't feel at all, whereas when Subaru feels a real emotion it's an incredibly intense experience for him, especially if it involves Seishirou in any way. This might seem incorrect given how stoic he appears to be in X, but Subaru is an internal character, and there are very few instances in X where he shows very much external reaction at all (again, usually where Seishirou is concerned).

They balance each other, and it's a necessary balance because even if they have the chance to lead "normal" lives (such as in Somarium) and "be together," they rely on the extremes of the other for their relationship to work. Subaru is not a happy person, and even if he gets the things that he wants he will never be happy because he'll be living with so much anxiety and paranoia that it all might disappear that it'll disintegrate any strong measure of happiness for him. So someone who is concerned about him being happy is essentially doomed to failure and will only bring about their own unhappiness.

Seishirou flat out doesn't care if Subaru is happy or not, and therefore doesn't concern himself with it. He wants Subaru, and so long as Subaru wants to be wanted by him, he has no reason to further or diminish any of Subaru's emotions in particular other than if it amuses him.

So they are both missing two important pieces of information about each other for most of X, operating on some pretty critically erroneous assumptions. Subaru assumes that Seishirou still doesn't really give a damn about him. Seishirou, on the other hand, simply assumes that Subaru is operating on hatred and wants revenge. And really, if they didn't have these misconceptions about each other, everything would fall apart.

This is partially because Subaru wouldn't know what to do about Seishirou actually wanting him. He's spent so long with the belief that Seishirou cares absolutely nothing for him at all that turning it on its head would just take the metaphorical wind out of his sails and he'd grind to a halt. Okay, Seishirou wants him - now what? It's not as though either of them are really capable anymore of "love" as it is typically understood.

But the simple truth is that the magnitude of what they do feel for each other is as strong as it could ever possibly be on both sides. No one and nothing else could ever hope to compare in any significant way against it. For Subaru, it's an incredible intensity that Seishirou uses to his advantage to ensure that even after his death Subaru will never want anyone else ever again. He succeeds - brilliantly. The fact that he desires that outcome is proof that Subaru is the most significant thing in his life.

I'd say that even though Subaru's entire story is nothing but tragedy, perhaps the one small sliver of light is that they at least came to understand one another, even on some warped level, before Seishirou dies. I firmly believe that Seishirou tells him "I love you" with his last breath, but it's simply one of the final steps to ensure that Subaru truly will belong to him forever rather than an actual confession. It clearly throws Subaru for a loop, because it was the last thing he'd been expecting and Seishirou knows it. He's so confused by it he's left mired in doubt that's diminished only slightly when Fuuma explains that it was Seishirou's desire to have the mark left by someone else erased from his body by giving him his eye.

Truthfully I find it interesting that CLAMP brought Subaru back after we see him accepting the position of Sakurazukamori. Clearly they felt it was important enough that Kamui learns what does happen to Subaru, that he essentially betrays him and becomes a Dragon of Earth, even though that was merely a consequence of the decision he made. It just leaves me with that much more hand-wringing anxiety wondering what happens to him afterward. Nevermind wondering how X will end, assuming that they do manage to save the world, what on earth is Subaru really going to do? But it will forever remain a mystery, sadly. Along with Kamui's true wish and a myriad of other unanswered questions.

Here seems as good of a time as any to touch on the one other important aspect in X that I haven't yet because I've been too busy blabbering on about Seishirou (he's important, okay): Kamui.

Kamui represents probably the first solid, semi-permanent attachment Subaru makes to another person outside of Hokuto and Seishirou probably ever in his life. The fact that their relationship is able to grow at all probably stems more from the fact that destiny has conspired to put them on the same team an therefore within close proximity for a fairly long period of time, several weeks at least. Subaru could easily have moved on and out if he wanted, but it's pretty clear that he treats Kamui differently than anyone else right out of the gate.

This is probably because Kamui is the only person Subaru is ever able to truly empathize with (remember: empathy, not sympathy). CLAMP pretty much bashes you over the head with the similarities between their experiences. While having your heart broken by a lover isn't a terribly unique experience, having someone you love very much being brutally murdered by another person you care for is a little less common.

There's a few details that are different of course - an interesting one is that the death is what brings Subaru out of his catatonia, whereas for Kamui it causes it. Subaru is only able to convince Kamui to return from the depths of his heart because he is able to empathize so closely with him. For Kamui, because he's seen that Subaru has also suffered greatly it immediately creates a bond of dependency. As much as Kamui may come to care about the other Dragons of Heaven, it's clear that there's nowhere near the closeness with any of them that he shares with Subaru.

One way that this is expressed is how tactile they are with one another - or rather, how tactile Subaru is. Frankly, everyone touches Kamui. A lot. Except for maybe Arashi, but in general the thing that stands out isn't that Kamui tolerates being touched by Subaru, but that Subaru actually initiates it. Even in Tokyo Babylon he was a fairly hands-off kind of person. The only other person he willingly puts himself close enough to even possibly permit being touched is Seishirou. With Kamui, Subaru appears to be incredibly comfortable with and to even, on some level, want that kind of contact. CLAMP has joked that they share a "sisterly" relationship, and indeed it is definitely more intimate than many of the other relationships within X.

A lot of people like to pair them up, and I get that - I used to be pretty supportive of Kamui/Subaru and still am to some extent. It's sweet, gentle, probably everything that Subaru/Seishirou isn't. But Subaru is not able to love Kamui, period. Even if they were to pair up together, Subaru's attachment could never be stronger than it already is, and even assuming that Seishirou is dead, it will never be able to be enough to get hm to a place where he doesn't think of Seishirou every moment of every day. The people who would rather put Subaru with Kamui so that Subaru can be happy don't understand just how strongly he is focused on Seishirou, and frankly if you don't understand that, you're missing a huge point of his character and the entire story. But this really isn't about arguing who gets to screw who. From my end, I don't think Kamui and Subaru work romantically because Subaru is utterly incapable of actual romance, the end.

Anyway, this has probably gone on quite long enough for now. It's not quite so well thought out as part one, but hopefully I've constructed a better idea of my interpretation of Subaru as a character now throughout his entire existence as we know it.

Someday there will be a PART THREE in which I discuss Subaru's relationship with Hokuto and her influence on the story as well.